8:30 – What an odd to start a hockey awards show with Snoop Dogg rapping and Travis Barker...I just could never see a hockey locker room blaring Snoop to get themselves ready for Game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals. Major points to Snoop wearing a Number 99 “Snoop Gretzky the Great” jersey...but he’s immune to being given a jersey foul
8:35 – Jay Mohr comes on stage...what the hell happened to him? He’s gotten really fat in his older years, and yet, he’s got the haircut of a 7 year-old...man, he’s really bombing with these hockey-themed jokes...am I hearing piped-in audience laughter?
8:40 – Mark Wahlberg comes out to present Rookie of the Year...he looks confused...wait a minute, he’s talking about Canadians and their drinking habits...is that a hint of why he’s confused? Then he reads his teleprompter with as much energy as you would get from speaking with an automated voice messaging system...he announces the winner as Tie Domi...wait what? Obviously that was a joke, but before he had a chance to actually announce Tyler Myers as the win, the music plays and the three nominees look confused as what to do.
Myers comes out with a piece of paper and reads his acceptance speech...could they get a microphone that isn’t chest high for him? I can barely hear him...Myers finally finishes his speech (thank god!) and the camera pans out to Jay Mohr...if you look close, he rolls his eyes after what was just an awful couple of minutes of TV
8:45 – Natasha Henstridge and Luc Robitaille come out to present the Selke...oh man, it’s just so awkward to watch an actress that doesn’t care about hockey and a former hockey player with a lack of personality try and do a 60 second teaser of a trophy.
Pavel Datsyuk has the line of the night so far, “Thanks to the Detroit Red Wings for paying me.”
8:50 – They have a red carpet interview with Henrik Sedin...does every NHL produced broadcast have to include a 60 second locker-room style interview that is more about filling time than it is about keeping people engaged?
8:55 – George Strombolopolous interviewing Patrick Kane and Patrick Sharp...Kane is a major pimp as he has his arm around one of the models...awesome! George then throws it to a performance by Cirque de Soleil...really?
What does this have to do with anything? You’ve got artistic dancing, followed by break dancing and then tandem dancing...it’s almost like the 30 teams got together and all submitted one idea that they wanted to see in this show, then the league put it all together...we’re only a few minutes into the show and it’s so obvious why no other league puts together a show like this...
9:00 – Ron MacLean and Ted Lindsay come out and all of a sudden, everything is right with the world again...the NHL doesn’t need rapping and dancing to hand out awards
Alex Ovechkin wins the Ted Lindsay award and comes out...he truly is the one guy that the league can sell as someone with awesome talent, but some personality as well...but of course, in true NHL fashion, they jump the cue on his acceptance speech and move on to the next award. People were right about this being a trainwreck.
9:05 – The next presenter comes out only to be confused because Ovechkin still was at the microphone and wanted to finish his speech. Ovechkin finishes his speech and the presenter is re-introduced with a hint of a chuckle by the female voice
The comedian says, “I’m so-and-so and you don’t know me...” No we don’t, they must have used up all the star power already...he then goes on to make a joke about a lack of black people at the Olympics or in the crowd...I guess there’s a reason why we don’t know you with predictable comedy like that...
He introduces a Bobby Ryan/Ryan Getzlaf skit which was really funny...this is what they need more of...Ryan and Getzlaf don’t have much personality, but at least these kind of things give them a chance to get out in the spotlight a bit more...
9:10 – Back to the Red Carpet for an interview with the Rocket Richard winners, Sidney Crosby and Steven Stamkos...don’t really care what they had to say, but Steven has got the sharpest looking suit of the night by far.
9:15 – John Slattery is introduced by Jay Mohr...who are these people? I haven’t heard of the last two “celebrity” presenters...he presents the coach of the year award...do I still have to watch this? I guess I have to since I committed to writing about it...uggghhh...
Dave Tippett wins...I just find it so funny that Tippett comes out to the stage with the house DJ the first one that he sees...Tippett with the one-liner that he’s probably been working on for months, “I would thank the owner, but I don’t the names of all 29 owners.”
9:20 – Next award is being presented by Jamie Kennedy and some guy...is this how far Jamie Kennedy has dropped in his career? They mumble through the start and then finally start with the teleprompter script...Kennedy mispronounces the Vezina trophy as the Vezna trophy which leads to a humourous exchange, until we find out that it was scripted because they then agree that they have to decide who’s going to read the name of the winner...
Out comes Jay Mohr with a referee sweater on and envelope in hand and the presenter that picks up the envelope in a faceoff battle gets to read the name...why do I feel like I’m writing about the moments of a WWE wrestling event?
Ryan Miller wins the award...I just this show to be over already...this is really painful to do...
9:25 – Another red carpet interview with Martin Brodeur this time as he talks about winning the Jennings trophy.
9:30 – Jay Mohr comes back and goes to the impersation well for the first time as he pretends to be Tracy Morgan, then presents Shinedown to perform some song...this is the kind of music I think when it comes to hockey players, but it’s just not the right setting to have heavy metal music being played with everyone in suits and ties. I loved the polite applause...was that the piped-in TV applause again? I think so...
9:35 – George is back to interview Mike Green...only to be interrupted by the Geico caveman...actually, the caveman walks into the suite, then walks away with Mike Green having a puzzled look, but following caveman out...was that a subliminal ad for Geico by the NHL? Shameless...
After that, I’m done...I can’t watch anymore...My apologies, but I just couldn’t stomach anymore...the only uses I could think of for this 90 minutes would be to either
1) Look for an alternative to the death penalty besides the electric chair or the firing squad
2) Use as a non-violent means of torture
I would really like that hour of my life back...